Depart From Me, Ye Cursed, Into Everlasting Fire: Judgement Day For Dummies

"At judgement day atheists will be in the streets selling blowjobs trying to pay off Pascal." - Jake Meeks

A few tips on how not to get caught with your pants down on Judgement Day.

1. Write a log of all your sins. Especially the bad ones. Go over them time and time again. Once your long list of sins comes up in your "trial", you do not want to be surprised by sins you forgot about.

2. Sin often. You need to desensitize your soul. I can't say this enough: squelching the conscience is key here. The day you can mug an old lady, rob her blind, and feel nothing, well that's a good day.

3. Bring cookies to court. Chances aren't likely Jesus is going to accept bribes, but maybe he will. Plus if not you'll have something to snack on in hell.

4. Tell everyone about your sins. Get the embarrassment over now. Nothing looks worse than a blushing face in court. Those jury members with be on you like Sally Struthers on a steak sandwich.

5. Practice your facial expressions in the mirror. You want to look surprised by the allegation you peed in the nacho cheese sauce last year at the bowling alley after my poor game of 43 which I blamed on the manager's insistence that I wear their shoes and not my old lucky ballet slippers. Surprise means "You said I did what?". And that's a good thing.

Try these helpful steps to make it through that tricky process known as "The Last Judgement". You may find yourself flipping off the chumps standing in line for the court room on the "right" side of Peter's gates. Then it's eternal tequila sunrises for you.