What The Hell Does Rant Mean?

Moved My Blog

2007-11-08T16:02:00.000-08:00

I finally moved my blog over to my actual domain
whatthehelldoesrantmean.com
I wont be posting here any longer. So c'mon over. I feel so much freer now.!

Pure Nonsense Story

2007-11-07T08:36:00.000-08:00

As a writing challenge six friends have each given me two random words. These words must each be used once in a short story or poem.

Brent - Jar Jar Binks, scrum-diddily-umptious
Desiree - pickles, heart
Jen - pudding, walking
Marci - certificate, printer
Sarah - elephant, generous
Tifany - cow dung, delightful

So without further ado...........The Naughty Chicken

Clarice was a piece of fried chicken. She lived on a counter top in a kitchen in Kailua Kona, Hawaii. She wasn't a bad piece of chicken at heart. She just couldn't help herself when the opportunity presented itself. You may wonder why a scrum-diddily-umtious piece of chicken hadn't been eaten by now. Well the people who owned the house were a band of vegetarian gypsies that despised beef, but still longed for the juicy taste of poultry. They left Clarice out to remind them that eating chicken was wrong.
It was three o'cluck when the elephant came sliding across the counter screaming, "FARRRRAAHH FAAAWWCEEEETTTT HEEELP MEEE!" He slipped to a stand still and starred at Clarice with a grimace. "What the Sam Heck are you doing here?", he asked annoyed. He started walking closer to her in an awkward Jar-Jar Binks-esque fashion. He was nearly blind.
"Well, dumplin'"
(Oh did I mention she was originally from Mississippi but was sent to Honolulu in a freaking shipping accident where the vegans picked up the package thinking it was a piano cover they had ordered? No? Sorry about that then.)
"Well, dumplin'", she clucked, "It just so happens I'm waiting for you." She lied. She had no idea who this elephant was or what he wanted.
"We need you back at the Pudding Palace.", he spoke with urgency.
"As I said, I've been waiting for you to come and get me.", she smiled to herself realizing the trick she was about to play on him.
"Ar-aren't yo-you forgetting something?", he stuttered.
"What's that, hun?", she asked.
"What about the certficate, miss?", he said impatiently, "you're forgetting the certificate."
She returned a delightful reply, "Oh yeah, the certificate. I've got that right here." She pulled a greasy napkin out from under her. "Here it is.", she showed him.
"Put that away! Are you crazy?? Someone could see it.", he yelled.
"Sorry, sugar.", she said while folding it up and hiding it under her breading, "You know, you're a rather small elephant."
"I'm of adequate size, miss, to do my job. Thank you very much.", he snorted, "Now, follow me." He turned and started marching. She quickly grabbed a jar of pickles that stood by her and slowly followed the elephant. She could see a piece of cow dung that clung to the back of his hoof.(Do elephants have hoofs? Paws?) She was disgusted even for a piece of chicken. Just as the elephant got to the edge of the counter she gave the jar a generous toss. It hit him squarely in the trunk as he turned around to monitor her progress. "OUCH!! THAT SMARTS, MISS", he yelped.
Clarice got a running start, took up speed, and plowed into the side of the elephant sending him ears over ass beyond the counter edge. "THIS IS MY COUNTER!! NO ONE ORDERS ME AROUND ON MY COUNTER!!," She squealed with delight. The poor elephant died of a head injury. Which is just as well, since he had developed a tusk tumor from sitting by the printer all day at work and had only hours to live. Plus one of the vegans went bat-shit crazy and ate Clarice two days later when she was playing scrabble with the salt shaker. She was just about to get a triple word score too. With the word 'devour'. Ironic, huh? But she deserved it I suppose. She was quite a bitch.

There Is Beauty In All Things

2007-11-06T22:41:00.000-08:00

Inspired by my friend, Jake, this is one of my favorite Charles Bukowski poems.

One For Old Snaggle-Tooth

I know a woman
who keeps buying puzzles
chinese
puzzles
blocks
wires
pieces that finally fit
into some order.
she works it out
mathematically
she solves all her
puzzles
lives down by the sea
puts sugar out for the ants
and believes
ultimately
in a better world.
her hair is white
she seldom combs it
her teeth are snaggled
and she wears loose shapeless
coveralls over a body most
women would wish they had.
for many years she irritated me
with what I considered her
eccentricities—
like soaking eggshells in water
(to feed the plants so that
they’d get calcium).
but finally when I think of her
life
and compare it to other lives
more dazzling, original
and beautiful
I realize that she has hurt fewer
people than anybody I know
(and by hurt I mean hurt).
she has had some terrible times,
times when maybe I should have
helped her more
for she is the mother of my only
child
and we were once great lovers,
but she has come through
like I said
she has hurt fewer people than
anybody I know,
and if you look at it like that,
well,
she has created a better world.
she has won.

Frances, this poem is for
you.

-Charles Bukowski

Please don't sue me, oh great publishers of Charles Bukowski stuff.

Gooses! Geeses! I want a goose that lays gold eggs for Easter!

2007-11-06T09:18:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, I am making chocolates this year. Truffles, peanut butter cups, cashew logs, almond joys, peanut brittle. I am thrilled. I have been searching for cool candy boxes. Any ideas? Also I am making 6 different kinds of truffles. Any ideas there. I am making three based on cocktails and three others. GIVE ME IDEAS PLEASE!!! I AM DESPERATE!!

Weights and Measures

2007-11-05T11:41:00.000-08:00

In case you were wondering.

[12:39] eMallory: so i think i'll print it on a transparency.
[12:39] eMallory: since i have an assload of those now.
[12:39] eMallory: and then lay it over various color paper bits.
[12:39] hobbes8u: How many is an assload
[12:39] eMallory: like 40
[12:39] eMallory: lol
[12:40] hobbes8u: I've always wondered
[12:40] hobbes8u: hmm
[12:40] hobbes8u: so $200 dollars would be like 5 assloads of dollars
[12:40] eMallory: yep

So two score=one assload

Vegas, The Continuing Saga.

2007-11-05T10:02:00.000-08:00

PART IV
Thursday, September 14, 2007

This story is continued from this blog entry.

So I sat there watching Everybody Loves Raymond and drinking as much Bacardi Rum as possible. Have you ever noticed how funny this show is? By the time Sheridee came and got me I was very, very happy, if you know what I mean. ;) She maneuvers me through the casino and out onto Fremont Street. It's beautiful.

The lights are much brighter there
You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares and go
Downtown where all the lights are bright,
Downtown, waiting for you tonight,
Downtown, you're gonna be alright now
Downtown

Shar and Sheridee have these ginormous slushies. Well I wanted one. So Shar whisked me away to a shop. We again slid past slot machines galore to arrive at the slushy counter. The lady asks what do I want? "I don't know", I say, "All the colors!!" She asks me if I want some extra Everclear in my drink for $2 more. "WHY YES I DO. HOW DID YOU KNOW??", I respond. She smiles and makes me a gigantisquishy. slurp. slurp. slurp. We head over to the pretty metal ball. People are driving motorcycles in it. They are awesome!! Then the Fremont Street Experience starts. The lights are so colorful. They start playing 80's music. I started screaming along to them as we head over to the next attraction. One of those long ribbons hanging from the ceiling where the strong guys dangle from them and wrap them around their legs with no hands and stuff. I'm yelling out the lyrics to the current song as loud as I can.

I come home in the morning light,
My mother says "When you gonna live your life right?"
Oh,mother,dear,
We're not the fortunate ones,
And girls,
They wanna have fu-un.
Oh,girls,
Just wanna have fun.

Corey takes away my drink. I beg for it back. I need it. All of a sudden this lady says, "Aw give it back to him. It's Vegas!" I successfully get my drink back. We start singing together. Her name's Leigh. I love Leigh!! The guy comes out and starts his ribbon twirling but there is some malfunction and they cancel it. Me and Leigh are screaming at the top of our lungs. But I'm happy. I'm totally snockered. My drink is starting to get lower. So I slur my good-byes to my new friend Leigh. Everyone leads me too my room to avoid any further embarrassment. WHAT?? I was having fun!!

Dizzy, I’m so dizzy my head is spinning
Like a whirlpool it never ends
And it’s You girl makin’ it spin
You're making me dizzy

I watch tv and dose off. Finally at three am I force myself to vomit so I can sleep more comfortably. AHHH WHAT A NIGHT!!

(To be continued)

Let's Go To The Movies

2007-11-04T12:01:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend I've watched quite a few movies, classic and modern.

The Bank Dick from 1940 starring W C Fields. This is W C Fields at his drunken best. It's fun. It's funny. Why not watch it drunk too?
Running With Scissors from 2006 It's crazy, sometimes annoying. I enjoyed performances by Gwenyth Paltrow, Kristin Chenoweth(Who doesn't love Kristin Chenoweth? I ask you.), and Jill Clayburgh. Go ahead and watch it. It's original, but you'll only need to watch it once.
Notes On A Scandal from 2006 This was awesome. Put Judi Dench and Cate Blanchett in a film together and they can do no wrong. This is a must watch. MUST WATCH!!
Raging Bull from 1980 with Robert De Niro in an Oscar-winning performance. It was a great film, but I'd never watch it again. Boxing movies make me sleepy. De Niro did well as did Joe Pesci.

Now some people may know how much I love AFI's top 100 lists. I have always had a goal to watch all the movies on these lists no matter what. The main list I've been working on for a few years is their 1997 Top 100 movies of all time. Raging Bull was number 24. This leaves me with 12 more to watch. So what if I'm crazy. I like lists, and I like films. I will let them rule my life if I want.

A Friend of Dorothy

2007-11-03T16:44:00.000-07:00

Top ten signs that point to my "gaiety".

10. I can crochet, cross stitch, sew, and craft.
9. I'm design saavy. Many females ask for my advice with colors, balance and decorating.
8. Sometimes I organize my DVDs and videos by the color of their cases.
7. My voice is feminine. People call me ma'am on the phone all the time.
6. I love to read celebrity gossip.
5. I love Musicals.
4. I owned Debbie Gibson's first album.
3. When I was little my two friends, Ariann and Allison, and I used to fight over who got to be the mom when we played house.
2. I used to love Peter Tork from the Monkees.
1. I like to watch The View, The View for God's sake.

I challenge you to a....

2007-11-02T17:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

It's 6:32pm. I'm sitting at work and I really need to pee. But I'm too lazy to go to the bathroom. I wish it was acceptable to pee your pants. I just read on Two Loose Teeth that it's National Blog Posting month of something like that. Anyway, what that means is a challenge to post thirty days in a row. Well since Sarah didn't post this until the second, I have missed the first day of the challenge. DAMN YOU, SARAH!! Naw I'm kidding diary, I love Sarah. Put that icepick down. SO OKAY FINE! I'll heed the challenge. All those lucky bitches reading my blog will have a smorgasbord of awesomeness. NO, THEY AREN'T BITCHES. You're right! You're one preachy diary. I just thought I'd tell you. SHEESH. So let's see if we can do 30 days in a row.

Sincerely,
Jeremy

The Candywoman Can

2007-10-02T22:17:00.000-07:00

My Grandma died tonight. She didn't make the headlines. She wasn't well known. She wasn't America's sweetheart. She didn't change the world. But she was real. She told you like it is. She had a smoky cackle. She had hair like Ursula, the sea witch, and a voice to match. She said God damn with the best of them. She wasn't drop dead gorgeous with a body that wouldn't quit. But her hugs were forever and healing. She baked the best bread. In her time she was a great golfer and bowler. She had some funny moments. At our house one morning she mistook a can of Dow bathroom cleaner for aerosol hairspray. She came running out of the bathroom with a foaming head of hair, cursing away. She wasn't a fan of the buzzer in a Taboo game. She used to wear hooker red lipstick and her cigarettes, when she smoked, had lovely magenta tips. Ah, she was grand. Everyone loved my grandmother. She did so much for everyone around her. She made delicious bottled green beans, and she threw the Yahtzee dice far. She would sing Mairzy Doats and The Three Little Fishies to the delight of her grandchildren. No she wasn't famous, but she was someone. And I loved her.

Maybe she did change the world.

Grandma Dorthy Irene Stewart April 9, 1929-October 2, 2007 I love you, lady.

This is Bollocks

2007-09-25T12:25:00.000-07:00

Some of my favorite Britcoms:

Little Britain which is coming to HBO sometime soon

French and Saunders, a brilliant pair

Vicar Of Dibley, Also with Dawn French. Emma Chambers is hilarious

Last but not least two clips from The Catherine Tate Show.

I Heart Vegas

2007-09-20T12:21:00.000-07:00

PART III
Thursday, September 14, 2007

So we get up and work on the car. It's a new Vegas vacation ritual. Get up work on car. And eat at the omelet house. Everyone is bitter or angry or hung-over. Not me. I'm drunk. You're a pretty girl. So it was a great breakfast. Then we stopped at the Fashion Show mall to fix the car again. Since 3 or 4 people out on the street keeping shouting, "Your engine's leaking, YOUR ENGINE'S LEAKING." "YEAH NO SHIT THE 30 PEOPLE BEFORE YOU JUST TOLD US!! GO WORK YOUR CORNER AND SHUT UP!" My brother gets angry in the heat with car problems. Trying to keep him calm in these situations is like trying to get Jamie to wear her bra, futile and dangerous. We check into the Golden Gate casino. It's very small. It was built in 1906 and has an Old Timey Vegas atmosphere. The rooms are small but very cozy. So we check in and everyone goes swimming at the casino next door and Corey and I go to the grocery store. I get a liter of rum. *grin* We get back and walk to the crappiest buffet ever after getting kicked out of our casino because the teens are too young. So we head back to our room for awhile to relax and prepare for the Fremont Street Experience. Glug Glug Glug.

(To Be Continued)

It's Vegas, baby. Vegas.

2007-09-19T09:27:00.000-07:00

PART II
Wednesday, September 12, 2007

So I get to my room after a very long walk. I no sooner sit down when my phone rings. My brother says dad wired my money and lets walk to the Western Union(which is by The Flamingo) and pick up a sweaty, wad of cash. Maybe it doesn't seem that far away, but when you are as fat as I am. And I AM FAT. It's like lifting weights while walking. No one in my family seems to understand this. They think, "Oh it'll be good exercise". Well sure if you want to do squats for a mile or so. So after cursing him out we drive to the Western Union. Well It's not that easy to just drive done the strip and park in the Western Union parking lot(Because there isn't one) So we park at the Paris. Then walk through Paris and Bally's and try to find the stupid cash store. Finally I pass out on the ground and say go on without me. So he does and arrives back in twenty minutes. YAY MONEY!! So we go to the grocery store and stock up my room bar with a fifth of rum, a fifth of Jagermeister, and a premixed bottle of margaritas. I hike to my room and commence drinking. Soon my room is crowded with people of various types. I mean my family. Well I have a fine time. You're a pretty girl. Everyone goes out on the strip, but Chris and I stay in and watch a marathon of Everybody Loves Raymond. You may think boring. SO WHAT?? It's my trip and I wanted to relax and drink and I got to while everyone else had to work all week. So I got mine. So just eat it and mind your own business.

(To be continued)

Vegas, The Dream-Maker, The Clap-Giver

2007-09-17T12:35:00.000-07:00

PART I
Tuesday, Sept 11, 2007

We arrived at Buffalo Bill's around 9pm-ish. Immediately when we parked the radiator hose gave out and leaked it's innards all over the hot, sticky parking lot. Screw this, I'm checking in. So I check in, and because I made reservations on my card at three of the four hotels we were staying at and each placed a hold charge on them, my debit card said nope you ain't staying here with me tonight. Actually it let me charge two of the four rooms. I forgot to mention, I was on vacation with my brother Corey, 37, his two sons, Ben, 16, and Dylan, 15, Corey's fiance Shar, 35, and her three kids, Sheridee, 18, Chris, 14, and J.T., 16, as well as Sheridee's boyfriend Jeremy, 22-ish??(Jeremy 2 is what I called him all vacation). So I charged two rooms and called my bank(I know Jen I know), They said there were three hold charges and until they lifted I probably couldn't use my card. Average number of days for a hold to drop: 5.

We ate dinner. I lost $20 in the slots in 2 minutes. I found the gift shop and purchased my first pint of Rum(Bacardi to be specific), which was also close to $20, but it would take me longer than two minutes to lose it. I made a Dr. Pepper and Rum, drank it and went to bed.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Call Dad. Beg for cash. Make large batch of Dr Pepper and Rum for breakfast. Drink Breakfast. You're a pretty girl. Watch Corey fix hose all morning and early afternoon. Since Buffalo Bill's is in Primm 35 miles out of Vegas in the middle of nowhere we drive to Vegas to Tropicana to check in all the while watching the temperature in a tense 30 minute drive. We check in to the Tropicana. My room is the furthest away possible. I think my room was actually in Mesquite.

(To be continued)

What A Wonderful World!

2007-09-07T10:21:00.000-07:00

So at my job I work with Desiree and her husband Tyler, although Tyler works in the next room over. Anyhow Tyler passed this on to his wife, Desiree(who is awesome and hilarious), and she passed it on to me. So thank you Desiree and Tyler for this little gem.

The Trouble With Camping

2007-08-22T12:09:00.001-07:00

These are my ten reasons I hate camping. If you must know.

10. Bad weather, bugs and dirt
9. Smelling like a campfire(although you never realize how bad it is until you get home and shower and go to throw your clothes in the hamper and nearly die of a stroke from the smell. Sorry if you've had a stroke before. I'm not trying to be insensitive to the stroke-related community)
8. No stores, hospitals or hotels close by
7. Defecating outdoors(rolls eyes)
6. No comforts of home(I want my MTV and armchair)
5. Packing shit, unpacking shit(I know. I know. I usually just sit around and watch while other people do that. So what. It's exhausting watching how hard they are working.)
4. Tents(I hate the smell of tents, I hate the sound of tents, I hate the feel of tents)
3. Other Campers surrounding you.(I hate when people are in your visual sight of where you are camping. I want to be isolated.)
2. Sleeping on the freaking ground(Nothing is funner than waking up with a damn sore back, care of mother nature)
1. Stupid freaking allergies. vomit vomit vomit

So yes I hate camping. I hate it very much. I don't understand why people need to go camping frequently. I like camping in hotels. Does someone want to camp at the Doubletree Inn? Fine. I'm in. But don't ask me to camp. Please DEAR GOD PLEASE. I don't want to do it.

Was your Saturday Superbad?

2007-08-21T09:38:00.000-07:00

"It was full day of eating for both" - Narrator from Into the Woods speaking of Little Red Riding Hood, who had been eating sweets all day long and The Big Bad Wolf who had eaten Little Red Riding Hood.

Jen picked me up at five to eleven because Brett had been filling the van with gas. She had specifically said "ten to eleven", but here she was. I knew we'd never be friends again as I prefer my friends not to lie to me and to be on time. We drove to Verio to get Desiree and Dorise. Neither were there. More late friends. (shakes head slow in disappointment) Well we got underway at last. We were headed to Caputo's Market. When we arrived the Farmer's market was going on across the street from Caputo's. So we circled the parking for quite a while looking for a close space so fatty(me) didn't have to do much walking. What? I'm lazy! Anyway we had to walk through the farmer's market or as some people call it the hippie festival(Desiree). Which it was, as we soon smelled wafts of pot smoke working its way through the crowd. Which after a while made me think. I have the munchies.

So we went to Carlucci's. I had the most delicious lunch. Two half sandwiches. One Black Forest Ham and Brie(which was pretty good). One herbed garlic goat cheese(which made me cry and stand up and applaud and ask for an encore) After I was asked to leave, I snuck back in and finished my fruit tart, my AMAZING fruit tart. I also had a raspberry cream Italian soda. Everyone tried it but Desiree. I knew we'd never be friends again as I hate it when people don't try things.

After lunch we went into Caputo's Market where I went crazy. I got some awesome olive oil(It was unfiltered and very flavorful), some anchovie paste, tomato paste(both in tubes), some San Marzano canned tomatoes(the best according to everyone on the food network), an assortment of cheeses(Manchego(my current favorite), Jarlsberg, and Gruyere), a couple meats(Prosciutto di Parma and Pancetta), a couple cases of lemon soda, some wonderfully wrapped pastas, and some other things which I won't bore you with(Dijon Mustard, Arborio Rice and chocolates). I only spent $135. That's not bad right? RIGHT?

Then it was off to the wine store. We all wanted some wine to cook with and some of us wanted to get some to drink(Why are you all looking at me? Shut it!) Dorise needed a specific wine that was wrote on a piece of paper. I knew we would never be friends again as I hate when people go by shopping lists. I never did find out what kind of wine either. Anyhow I got a great Chianti(No I didn't get fava beans(Which, by the way, are a lot like Lima beans), a nice Pinot Noir, and a Chardonnay.

Then it was back to home. It was a good day.

That night I went with Jen's family(Jen, Brett, Brad and Lissy) to Superbad. It was the greatest comedy of the year for sure. A very good Saturday indeed. And now I'm ready to cook.

There! There's your stupid blog post everyone! Now get off my back!

This is our receptionist, Pam. If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple years ago.

2007-07-06T09:19:00.000-07:00

I spent the weekend watching three seasons of "The Office". I had never seen it before really and I thought I should edumacate myself in the ways. Well it turns out that I am one with 'The Office'. In fact this is a conversation I had with eSarah recently.

[08:52] hobbes8u: I watched three seasons of The Office last weekend
[08:52] hobbes8u: I had never watched it before
[08:52] eSarah: oooooooOOooOo
[08:52] hobbes8u: Isn't Pam Beesley the girl from it?
[08:52] eSarah: yes.
[08:53] hobbes8u: AH HA!!!
[08:53] hobbes8u: awesome
[08:53] eSarah: lol
[08:53] hobbes8u: I guess I've never clicked on that link
[08:54] hobbes8u: But I am totally Officed up
[08:55] hobbes8u: What I mean is
[08:55] hobbes8u: I have jumped off the the diving board of comedy and cannonballed into the pool of The Office and I think the temperature of the water is 'just right'

The link in question was on Lisa's list of favorite links.

So there you go. Feel free to chat me up about Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration or Diversity day anytime.

Damn you 7:00am

2007-07-06T09:16:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have those days when you wake up knowing positively you have glaucoma? I did this morning.

Conversation With My Body Part II

2007-06-19T08:04:00.000-07:00

As inspired by Desiree, another conversation with my body.

At work, in the very early morning, standing in front of the vending machine.

Stomach: Just get something! We're starving here.
Fat Storage: Oh get those zingers. Oh the creamy fatness. We need some new friends in here.
Brain: You have plenty of friends! We just sent a bunch of Latinos down last night from that Mexican Pizza.
Large Intestines: Yes, and they have been partying it up down here allll night!
Fat Storage: What about Cheetos? Can we get Cheetos?
Brain: NO!!! We need to eat healthier here.
Fingers: (Puts in a dollar. Dollar comes back out.) What? no. (Puts in dollar. Dollar comes back out.) NO!! (Smooths out dollar and puts back in machine. Dollar comes back out) I'LL KILL YOU!! (Pounds on machine.) I WILL KICK YOU IN THE GLASS!
Brain: Just put in coins.
Fingers: IT'S THE PRINCIPLE!
Brain: C'mon just do it. We don't have all day.
Stomach: And we're staaaaaarrving.
Brain: Quiet you.
Fingers: FINE!!!! (Puts in change)
Eyes: (Reads '4F')
Fingers: (Type in 4F, A bag of Skittles falls down.)
Brain: What did you just do? WHAT DID YOU JUST DO, FINGERS????
Fingers: I was just doing what the eyes told me.
Eyes: Hey now, I didn't say anything.
Tongue: OH MAN, I hate skittles.
Fingers: What? Sorry. I thought that....SORRY.
Brain: Great. Just great.
Stomach: Just eat them already.
Tongue: No!! We are not eating those disgusting sugary puke nuggets.
Vocal Chords: Hey Aaron, do you want these Skittles? I accidentally got them.
Aaron: Sure.
Stomach: WHAT?? This is no time to be charitable.
Vocal Chords: Sorry, I'm closer to the tongue and I don't want to hear his whiny ass all day.
Stomach: Well get something.
Fat Storage: Oooo, How about some cheese crackers? I love the Swiss.
Brain: NO, Shut your mouth, fat.
Fat Storage: Well you know there's a hell of a lot more of us than you.
Brain: What are you saying?
Fat Storage: It's means whatever you think it means.
Brain: You wouldn't. You have plenty of friends. We're trying to get into shape.
Fat Storage: And we're doing a good job. It's time for a reward.
Brain: Walking to the vending machine is not enough exercise to merit a reward.
Fat Storage: Don't use big words with me. FINGERS, PUSH 7C.
Brain: NO, DON'T YOU DARE. YOU BETTER NOT LAY ONE FINGER ON THOSE BUTTONS.
Fat Storage: YOU BETTER FINGERS. I SHIT YOU NOT!
Fingers: Sorry Brain, the Fat scares me. (Pushes 7C, The Jumbo Twinkies fall down)
Stomach: Finally!
Brain: I hate you Fat!

Nobody Shall Sleep!

2007-06-14T08:21:00.000-07:00

Nessun dorma! Nessun dorma!
Ma il mio mistero è chiuso in me,
il nome mio nessun saprà!
No, no, Dilegua, o notte! Tramontate, stelle!
Tramontate, stelle! All'alba vincerò!
Vincerò! Vincerò!

Nobody shall sleep!... Nobody shall sleep!
But my secret is hidden within me, my name no one shall know... No!...No!
Vanish, o night! Set, stars! At dawn, I will win! I will win! I will win!

So I normally don't watch American Idol, America's Got Talent, etc. I don't even watch Britain's Got Talent, but this....this is something of greatness.

The Chilean Hawk - A Serial Detective Story - Part 2

2007-06-14T08:12:00.000-07:00

"He's been missing for two days", she said fingering the curl in her hair. Just then my office was bombed. The whole thing exploded. Both of us dead. I knew it. The terrorists. George W Bush was right. Stupid Bush!

Jolly Old Saint Nick

2007-06-12T18:51:00.000-07:00

My friend Nick rarely writes in his blog.
This problem I wish to unclog.
But what could I say?
Since he'd prob'bly convey
'Shut it Jeremy and eat your Jew dog'

See my friend Nick's blog here. He needs a little encouragement since he rarely blogs.

The Chilean Hawk - A Serial Detective Story - Part 1

2007-06-07T12:45:00.000-07:00

She was eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles when she walked through the door to my office. Her blonde hair was all blondish. She had more curves on her than a chopstick. Well, sometimes the end of a chopstick is curvy. And she had two major curves, the upper and the lower. That was her alright, Mallmsy Qualls, and she sort of looked pissed. "Mallsmy, honey. What can I do for you?", I inquired jauntily to lighten her mood. "Don't honey me, you son of a bitch. We haven't dated for 10 years.", She cursed at me. "Sorry Mallm, what'da ya need?", I replied more coolly. "It's my husband, Ralphie, he's missing. I need your help to find him.", she put her bowl down on my desk right next to my 'Jeremy McAllister, Detective' sign. The spoon flipped out of the bowl springing a pebble onto the green blotter covering most of the hardwood top. She had attitude. I remembered why we weren't together anymore. She was too independent for me. "And why should I do that?", I raised my eyebrows. "Because you owe me.", she snapped. "I owe you, do I? And why is that?", I folded my arms. "Because you ran over my Cat.", she sobbed a little. "Oh yeah, I always did like your daughter. Sorry about that. Alright I'll help", I said exasperated. I looked in her eyes. They were dark and unkind. Something wasn't right with this situation. Not right at all. I put my hand in my pocket and carressed my Colt 45.

Tune in for the next episode. I know, I know. Deal with it.

I Want Your Brains!..... And Your Thoughts.

2007-05-10T12:58:00.000-07:00

I recently had very important discussion with Lisa.

Lisa: in case of zombie infestation
Lisa: would you...
Lisa: A
Lisa: go to the nearest costco where they have gas pumps, a mechanics shop, food (and food prep areas), furniture, barbecues, tvs, dvds, books, clothing, diamonds, and pretty much anything you could ask for all in one location?
Lisa: or B
Lisa: choose a large municipal building like a school or church with open fields nearby, build a wall around it, and send out missions for food and supplies, etc
hobbes8u: Oh definitely Costco
Lisa: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING
hobbes8u: And I think it's worth mentioning their twelve pack muffins outside of the general label food
Lisa: i might have slanted the scenarios a bit in favor of costco, but that's the general idea. i forget all the benefits of the compound BECAUSE REALLY, BUILD A WALL?
Lisa: oh, damn, those muffins ARE tasty
hobbes8u: No kidding
hobbes8u: And where are they gonna get the material for the wall I might ask
Lisa: excellent question
Lisa: probably from dismantling the nearby houses
Lisa: i'll have to ask blake
Lisa: is is the major proponent of the compound idea
hobbes8u: haha
Lisa: the first is was supposed to be a "he" there
hobbes8u: No costco. You see those food missions alone are highly dangerous
hobbes8u: And you'd have to make them often
hobbes8u: costco eliminates that need
Lisa: that's what i said! i think blake's plan is supposed to be more of a long-term solution. like, we would plant crops and have cattle and things.
Lisa: i'm not sure where we would get the cattle in metropolitan salt lake city. like, can you send away for them in capsules in the back of boy's life magazine?
hobbes8u: But wouldn't the zombies die off within in a month or so
Lisa: well i guess it depends on the zombie myth you buy into
Lisa: if it's the rage virus, then yes
...
hobbes8u: ....It's the rage virus that makes quick zombies. The normal variety are quite lethargic.
hobbes8u: and that would open up more choices
Lisa: so, slower zombies means more time to build a wall, but i don't think traditional zombies ever die
hobbes8u: That's true.
hobbes8u: And a timeshare in Aspen isn't going to help
Lisa: heee. not in any way that i can see
hobbes8u: I'm going to think on this some more. It does intrigue me.

So what are your thoughts? Who knows when zombies are going to take over. WHO KNOWS WHEN??? And with popular zombie movies appearing more frequently, we need to start talking about this now.

The Best Saturday Ever.

2007-05-10T10:27:00.000-07:00

06:37:57 AM: Receive text from Becca "We're on our way! Probably about thirty minutes away."
07:08:19 AM: Receive text message from Becca "We's almost there."
07:15: They's here. Take Becca's wild tour of Orem and Provo part one. Pass Six Flags: Car Wash Country.
07:30: Arrive at Village Inn for Breakfast. I order Chicken Fried Steak Breakfast. Mallory orders her usual Denver Omelet(We discuss why it's called Denver Omelet and reason that it's imported from The Mile High City itself), Becca orders something with no meat and wheat toast. Waitress brings me some sort of Chicken Fried Scramble thing. I look at it puzzled. I tell her I didn't order the scramble thing. She assures me that I did, but she'll fix it. I mentally flip her off.
08:30: Head to Becca's parents to get newspaper. Continue with Becca's wild tour. Pass Becca's elementary school where she borrowed her mom's earring and dropped them down a grate.
08:45: Arrive at Becca's parents. Eat pumpkin-pecan cookies, Do Becca's Mom's crossword puzzle, Receive garden tour(This time sober), find garage sales in newspaper.
09:15: Garage Sailing(Because Garage sales are magical places you can float to by a magical boat. DON'T QUESTION BECCA!! SHE'LL CLAWS YOUR EYES OUT!!) Stop at Drive-thru Gas station from caffeinationery implamentation. Due to the weather, only found a few sales. Decide to go to Savers.
11:12: Arrive at Savers. Find sweet Spirograph and Old Chemistry Kit. Found the greatest couch in the world. And it was green. Didn't buy because where am I going to put the couch? I cry because I can't get the couch. I really love that couch. If I could go back on my life and change one thing it would be to get that couch.
12:11: Arrive at Animal Ark. Look at the adorable bunnies. Look at the adorable puppies. Look at the adorable turtle. I wish I had an adorable pet.
12:29: Continue with last leg of Becca's wild tour. Spot elementary school rummage sale. Car jittery with delight. I am dismayed to see a jungle gym of clothing. Listen in on a conversation between two little girls. (Oh my gosh Brooklyn this purse would match your shoes. Oh yeah they would I love it. Quick go ask your mom if you can get it. Go.) The girls do not end up with the accessory. Mallory finds a bargain on some shirts.
01:16: Decide to go eat lunch at Osaka. Park in the back. Find interesting outdoor secret spot. Find interesting indoor secret spot. Everyone has sudden need to wazz. Find locked restroom. Sadly go to Osaka. Notice their "eat here, piss free" key. Rejoice. Have the best lunch ever. Mallory doesn't even feel need to vomit. Sit in indoor secret spot's couches. Relish the comfort. Contemplate nap. Decide we need more caffeine.
02:30: Head to Barnes and Noble. Girls wazz. Jeremy waits. Jeremy stops waiting. I find play(Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf?). Then sit by cookbooks and dream. Girls find me. Head to cafe to read books. See crazy mullet guy. Grab last table after overhearing some other girls looking for one. Take that other girls!! Talk to Mallory and Becca instead of reading. Mallory inspires me and Becca to get notebooks. Head to Shepherd's Cake and Candy to get Victorian something chocolates. They no longer sell them. CURSES!!
03:30: Go to Becca's parents and listen to her mom play piano. She's very good.
04:30: Arrive back at home as the bast Saturday ever ends. The girls wave to me as they leave. I wish I was dead.

Read Mallory's account of the day here

What?

2007-05-08T09:49:00.000-07:00

No one likes a tattle-tale.

A Trip Down Jeremy Lane

2007-05-03T12:35:00.000-07:00

In sixth grade I had hair growing long over my eyes, so much so when my English teacher asked me to read a sentence on the board, which I did successfully, she exclaimed, "How can you see through that shaggy-dog hair". That's when Nicole Harmon started calling me Shaggy. (Yes I realize the irony of having the nickname Shaggy. Shut up!!(YES BECAUSE I'M BALD! I DIDN'T SAY START TALKING!!!)) Yes the nickname caught on like sweater sleeves near wall nails. The whole student body, even until I graduated high school in 1993, called me Shaggy. I still run into people who have a quizzical look on their face as they stutter through, "Shhh....Shaggy?" I stare daggers back at them and walk off. I'm dramatic. What can I say. Anyhow. Flip forward two years. In eighth grade, I started my monthly periodical, "The Shaggy Newsletter". It was wildly popular. I was selling my popular newspaper like some other popular newspaper. I charged 50¢ for a year subscription to my pape(Newsie reference. Yeah.). It was my own version of "The Enquirer". Basically I made up a bunch of lies about other students. Everyone seemed glad and honored when they achieved such a status as being lied about in my paper. Until one day Ryan Wood punched me in the back hard, because he was indeed not dating Sharlene Haskell. I hadn't realized how violent the paper biz was. It was all too much for me. That was the day my newspaper began it's steady descent into nothingness. But for awhile I was a regular William Randolph Hearst. I even stole my newspaper printing supplies from a certain alternative high school when my best friend, Courtney Peterson's dad, Boyd, was janitor for the school. Courtney Peterson was my best friend, not his dad. I realize how weird that sounded. I'm also not saying Mr Hearst stole his supplies either. Hee. Hmmmmm. Well my point is I'm bald now. But I was once hairful and popular. I promise. Love me damn you!!

I'll Show You An Ode To Scott, Mallory!!

2007-04-27T11:59:00.000-07:00

In honor of Scott's wedding, I decided to post a little something about him. Eat it Mallory!! When I was thirteen I joined a bowling league. I had a gold ball with black swirls in it. I bought it from Mr. T. Anyway my ball was named Lewis. Well I'm sitting there putting on my Voltron bowling shoes and this kid sits next to me and puts on his Jetson bowling shoes. I was pretty jealous because I love Judy Jetson. A lot. We'll he puts on his shoes and pulls out his bowling ball and across the ball it says Clark. So I say, "Your name's Clark?" "No, it's Scott. My bowling ball's name is Clark", he said in a low Shaftesque voice. That's how we began. Lewis and Clark. We joined a pairs tournament and kicked ass, until Laurie and Lacy Turner beat us by 213 points. But we had them beaten up next to the ball polisher by Terry Van Dyke, a butch lesbian that bought minors liquor for the right price. Needless to say we've been great friends ever since. Cheers to you Scott!

You're Personality Sucks!

2007-04-26T07:56:00.000-07:00

Are You A Jeremy?

I know you want to know. I know you have been sitting in the corner, frittering away. "Who's personality am I most like" Who??? Well get out of that corner and step out into the darkness. It's time!!

Your signature catch phrase is

One of your favorite movies is

On death row your last meal would consist of

When you are really drunk you

A funny joke you make no one else gets would be

The next package you want delivered to your door is

A regret you have is

Scores
00-09 You are a Nadia Comaneci. You do lots of back flips and enjoy lemonade.
10-16 You are a Kevin. Your love of PHP is only surpassed by your awesome widescreen tv. You are absolutely the kindest person in the world. Probably.
17-23 You are a Jeremy. Mostly likely you are a very lazy person. Your idea of hell is having to clean, carry things around, and hiking to lakes with haunting dead girls at night.
24-30 You are a Mallory. Everyone just loves you. Your photography is splendid. You taste in t-shirts devine. Your hatred of Avril Lavigne is contagious.
31-37 You are a Becca. You lucky person you. You can do no wrong. You paint miracles. Your hummus is award-winning. And no one says "More salsa on your chip, luv" with such charm and conviction.
38-42 You are a Jake. You are pretty damn smart. Not to mention an intellectual wit of wits told in an exact Jimmy Stewart. No one proclaims God's non-existence with such hilarious offensiveness. No one drinks their problems away quite like you.

Please post a comment with your score and what you think!! Just do it damn it!!

60 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall

2007-04-24T12:38:00.000-07:00

My Father, Harvey Lonnie Jacobson, was born April 24, 1947. He is 60 years old today. Happy Birthday to him. Without him, you would not have this extreme time-waster to read. So......

A Conversation With My Body

2007-04-24T07:55:00.000-07:00

Alarm Buzzes Loudly
Jeremy's Ears: Someone shut that damn thing off.
Jeremy's Brain: Be careful just to push snooze. Remember when we turned it off that one time and fell back asleep. Then we had to lie and tell the boss the power went out so the alarm never went off.
Ears: SOMEONE GET THAT ALARM OFF!! LEGS!!!
Legs: Alright, alright. Let me hit the snooze with my big toe. I don't know why we have to sleep upside down in the bed.
Right Big Toe: Be Careful Legs. I don't want to get caught on something.
Legs: Yeah, yeah. Just do your job and I'll do mine.
Alarm stops.
Body relaxes once more.
Bladder: Hey let's not get too comfortable. I've been holding a copious amount of urine all night long, and I can't hold it much longer.
Legs: DAMN IT!! If the throat hadn't been so dry and whiny before we went to bed last night we wouldn't be in this mess.
Throat: Hey, if you want to dehydrate you go right on ahead and do it, but don't complain to me when we have to go to the emergency room.
Brain: Alright everyone. Shut up and let's do this. Ab muscles, pull the upper body into a sitting position.
Ab's: Ah man, We're too fat. We need to start exercising more.
Brain: We'll talk about it later. Just pull us up now before we wazz all over the sheets
Ab's: Fine! All right. PULL! C'mon everyone. PULL!!
Brain: K, Legs. Take us to the bathroom.
Legs: Here we go. Walk, walk, walk.
Hands: Here, I'll get the seat for you.
Penis: fonvoe gerrt ih we.
Brain: Hands, can you get the pajamas and the underwear down.
Hands: I was about to. Like I don't know how to do this by now.
Penis: Finally! I said hurry up here. Bladder's about to lose it. (PAUSE) HELLO?? Could I get a little help here?
Right Hand: (Shutters) Okay, okay. I don't know why you can't learn to aim yourself.
Brain: Would you just hurry up.
Right Hand: Okay back off.
Penis: Alright bladder, let her go. HEY!! Watch out right hand! That rug is brand new.
Eyes: (Sarcastically)Well that's a nice first view of the day.
Right Hand: Well excuse me. It's a little early in the morning. Forgive me for not being peppy and alert.
Penis: Well I'm just saying you're the one who's going to have to clean it up. Don't forget to flush.
Right Hand: I won't. I'm putting him away. You know, there's a reason you're hidden behind clothes.
Penis: Oh why don't you just eat sh(pants are back up)
Right Hand: HA!
Brain: Well we might as well just stay up now.
Legs, Arms, Torso: Screw you! Shut your yap.
Ass: Bite me!

Depart From Me, Ye Cursed, Into Everlasting Fire: Judgement Day For Dummies

2007-04-23T09:53:00.000-07:00

"At judgement day atheists will be in the streets selling blowjobs trying to pay off Pascal." - Jake Meeks

A few tips on how not to get caught with your pants down on Judgement Day.

1. Write a log of all your sins. Especially the bad ones. Go over them time and time again. Once your long list of sins comes up in your "trial", you do not want to be surprised by sins you forgot about.

2. Sin often. You need to desensitize your soul. I can't say this enough: squelching the conscience is key here. The day you can mug an old lady, rob her blind, and feel nothing, well that's a good day.

3. Bring cookies to court. Chances aren't likely Jesus is going to accept bribes, but maybe he will. Plus if not you'll have something to snack on in hell.

4. Tell everyone about your sins. Get the embarrassment over now. Nothing looks worse than a blushing face in court. Those jury members with be on you like Sally Struthers on a steak sandwich.

5. Practice your facial expressions in the mirror. You want to look surprised by the allegation you peed in the nacho cheese sauce last year at the bowling alley after my poor game of 43 which I blamed on the manager's insistence that I wear their shoes and not my old lucky ballet slippers. Surprise means "You said I did what?". And that's a good thing.

Try these helpful steps to make it through that tricky process known as "The Last Judgement". You may find yourself flipping off the chumps standing in line for the court room on the "right" side of Peter's gates. Then it's eternal tequila sunrises for you.

Two Loose Teeth And One Transfixed Reader

2007-04-20T13:28:00.000-07:00

Happy 4/20. I know, I know. I haven't posted forever. But I just spent the past four days reading twolooseteeth.com and have enjoyed every bit of it. I know what you are thinking. Didn't I already talk about this blog before. No, not really. I made up some wack story that linked to their site, but I have never really talked about it. I enrolled in TLTU only four days ago. I was on the fast track to my BA in all things Lisa and Sarah. Well my friends I have graduated. This is what I've learned.

*David Boreanaz aka DBo can do no wrong
*You can make a craft out of anything(records, marbles, freezer paper, Postal Service envelopes, etc) Do not underestimate the power of crafting.
*Running a marathon takes too damn long, But I know a crapload of places to practice running.
*Don't f*** with librarians. They will mess you up.
*Mallory may or may not have had/has a Backstreet Boys Fan site
Plus an assortment of stuff from bikini waxes and emergency underwear to "pink" scrabble and bad dance movies. This is the site dreams are made of.

I just had to say. Anyone up for a Lisa/Sarah quiz off? Because I just might kick your ass!!!!

Happy Birthday Dawney! Remember steam roller on the Provo Temple lawn! I was just thinking of that.

A Week, Recapitulated Through IMs

2007-04-10T08:43:00.000-07:00

Monday April 2 -
[11:54] Mallory: Well... YOU CAN COME ON FRIDAY NIGHT!
[11:54] Mallory: WOOT YEAH! WOOO!
[11:54] Mallory: i might be full of sugar.
[11:54] hobbes8u: Oh dear
[11:55] Mallory: lol im sorry i will calm down.
[11:55] hobbes8u: no no it's okay
[11:55] hobbes8u: So you want me to go to Salt Lake Friday huh
[11:55] hobbes8u: You don't want to visit beautiful downtown Provo
[11:55] Mallory: yeah yeah we were gonna go to a moovie.
[11:55] hobbes8u: hshs

Tuesday April 3 -
[12:05] hobbes8u: Now you realize I don't get off til 7pm
[12:06] Mallory: A nine o'clock movie it is!
[12:06] Mallory: or a ten oclocker.
[12:06] Mallory: Ooh we could do dinner and then a movie.
[12:06] Mallory: yeah yeah yeah
[12:07] Mallory: it'll be great

[12:16] hobbes8u: So I'm coming up Friday night to go to the movies
[12:16] hobbes8u: Are you going
[12:21] Becca: sorry, jake had to use the computer for a minute.
[12:21] Becca: who are you going to the movies with?
[12:23] hobbes8u: Mallory
[12:23] Becca: ohh.
[12:23] Becca: what movie are you going to see?
[12:25] hobbes8u: I'm not sure
[12:25] hobbes8u: But you MUST go you absolute MUST
[12:28] Becca: what time? i will go.

[17:24] hobbes8u: I'm coming up on Friday to go to the movies with Mallory and others
[17:25] hobbes8u: I told Becca to go and I think Kevin is and maybe you could get off early? :)
[17:25] Jake: I don't think so...I'm scheduled at work for some training stuff I can't get out of.
[17:25] hobbes8u: Blast!!

[10:44] Hobbes8u: So are you going to the movies on Friday
[10:45] Kevin: Probably

Wednesday April 4 -
[12:53] Mallory: and it sounds like becca and jake are also coming
[12:53] hobbes8u: and I invited Jake and Becca
[12:53] hobbes8u: Well Jake isn't
[12:53] hobbes8u: He has to train
[12:53] Mallory: oh
[12:53] Mallory: bummer
[12:53] hobbes8u: At least that's what he told me last night
[12:54] Mallory: ive only talked to becca about it
[12:54] Mallory: and that was like monday
[12:54] hobbes8u: So what are the plans
[12:54] hobbes8u: dinner and a movie?
[12:54] Mallory: yeah yeah!

[13:24] hobbes8u: Tifany are you going to the movies Friday night?
[13:24] Tifany: Nope.. I have to work :( I'm sorry.
[13:25] hobbes8u: til 11:00?
[13:25] Tifany: No, until about 10
[13:25] hobbes8u: Oh actually the movie starts at 10:30pm at brewvies
[13:25] hobbes8u: Renoo 911
[13:25] Tifany: really?
[13:26] hobbes8u: yep
[13:26] Tifany: I could probably make that then !

[13:27] hobbes8u: Tifany works til 10 on Friday
[13:27] Mallory: well then
[13:27] hobbes8u: She may be able to make it to the movie
[13:27] Mallory: a 1030 movie it is.
[13:27] Mallory: hee.
[13:27] hobbes8u: haah excellent
[13:28] Mallory: :D
[13:50] hobbes8u: Have you eaten at Al Forno's
[13:51] Mallory: no..
[13:51] Mallory: someone was telling me about it the other day though
[13:51] hobbes8u: That it was good?
[13:51] Mallory: Um.
[13:51] Mallory: they thought so?

[14:31] hobbes8u: alright the evening is planned
[14:31] hobbes8u: Al Fornos and Brewvies

To Becca:
[18:40] hobbes8u: So are those plans okay??
[18:40] hobbes8u: If you print out a coupon on the internet you can get a free bruschetta appetizer
[18:59] hobbes8u: okay well let me know I'm off now

[18:02] hobbes8u: But fellas you're gonna want that cow bell

Thursday April 5 -
[10:03] Mallory: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR
JEEEERRREEMMMYYYY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUU

[13:45] hobbes8u: Sweaters are hot
[13:47] Mallory: skirts are kind of cold.
[13:48] hobbes8u: Well I wish I was wearing a skirt, but would it cover my boobies?
[13:48] Mallory: well.. you dont wear a skirt on top..
[13:48] Mallory: so no.
[13:48] hobbes8u: I know but the skirt would have to replace my sweater
[13:48] Mallory: oh.
[13:48] hobbes8u: and lord knows you don't wear a sweater on the bottom
[13:48] Mallory: well.
[13:49] Mallory: it would cover your boobies i suppose.
[13:49] Mallory: you could wear it like a weird tube top?
[13:49] hobbes8u: Okay then now we are talking
[13:49] hobbes8u: Kind of like a lamp shade
[13:49] hobbes8u: except if any one tries to touch my dimmer they are going to get slapped

To Becca:
[17:46] hobbes8u: If only Becca was home.
[17:46] hobbes8u: Then life would be great
[17:46] hobbes8u: If only Becca was home
[17:47] hobbes8u: I wouldn't have to contemplate
[17:47] hobbes8u: How crazy my life is
[17:47] hobbes8u: How old I am getting
[17:47] hobbes8u: I'm losing my fizz
[17:48] hobbes8u: From the bottle I keep hitting
[17:49] hobbes8u: B is for Bouquets of babies she wants delivered to her door
[17:49] hobbes8u: E is for the electrocardiogram she had to have when a bouquet of babies was delivered to her door
[17:51] hobbes8u: C is for the Card that was attached to the bouquet of babies
[17:51] hobbes8u: C is for Chip as in More salsa on your chip luv
[17:52] hobbes8u: A is for Algorithms....fuck algorithms
[17:55] hobbes8u: Oh geez
[17:55] hobbes8u: I sure like cheese
[17:55] hobbes8u: Cheese is so yellow
[17:55] hobbes8u: It can make a fella smeelow
[17:56] hobbes8u: smeelow that is
[17:56] hobbes8u: no smellow that is
[17:56] hobbes8u: that's the rub
[18:30] hobbes8u: Okay text me I want to know if you are coming tomorrow night
[18:30] hobbes8u: Please come
[18:30] hobbes8u: please please please

Friday April 6 -
[09:15] hobbes8u: When do you have to go to lab
[09:15] Mallory: im leaving here at like two
[09:15] Mallory: we are learning studio lighting
[09:15] hobbes8u: How is everything turing out so far
[09:15] Mallory: and somehow i got screwed over and had to take the friday time slot
[09:15] Mallory: thats like from 2-6

[09:21] hobbes8u: Gooses! Geeses! I want my geese to lay gold eggs for Easter
[09:21] hobbes8u: At least a hundred a day
[09:21] hobbes8u: And by the way
[09:22] hobbes8u: I want a feast!
[09:22] hobbes8u: I want a bean feast!
[09:22] Mallory: okay jeeze we'll have a bean feast

[10:32] Mallory: and so i am excited for tonight
[10:32] Mallory: well,
[10:32] Mallory: EVEN MORE EXCITED
[10:32] Mallory: becuase its been 63 days too long jeremy.
[10:33] Mallory: SIXTY THREE DAYS TOO LONG.
[10:33] hobbes8u: it sure has
[10:33] hobbes8u: DEFINITELY
[10:33] hobbes8u: I haven't been able to get a hold of Becca
[10:33] Mallory: did kevin work out the picking you up plans?
[10:33] hobbes8u: I've texted her, IMed her no responses
[10:34] hobbes8u: Yes I worked it out with Kevin

[10:35] hobbes8u: And Tif's gonna meet up at the movies
[10:35] hobbes8u: after she gets off at 10
[10:35] Mallory: right right.
[10:36] Mallory: Im sure it'll all work out
[10:36] Mallory: hee.
[10:36] Mallory: it better
[10:36] hobbes8u: It better. I am extremely sad Jake is not coming because I love that man deeply
[10:36] Mallory: :(
[10:37] Mallory: he's working or something right?
[10:37] hobbes8u: He has to train
[10:38] Mallory: oh right
[10:38] Mallory: pfft.
[10:38] Mallory: loser.

[15:32] Kevin: I'll see you in a few hours :)
[15:32] hobbes8u: Alrighty

[18:46] hobbes8u: BECCA?????
[18:46] hobbes8u: are you around somewhere
[18:47] hobbes8u: anywhere at all??

Well Kevin got me at 7pm and we went to his house to get Becca(Who was supposedly meeting us to go to the movies). He calls Mallory on the freeway to tell him we are on the way(Quite a bit early to call her I thought) Pull into his driveway where Becca's car is. I think why isn't she outside waiting for us? She's just going to walk in Kevin's house when he's not there. We don't honk for her to come outside, instead Kevin gets out of the car and goes in the house, so I follow him. I am looking at the wall when I hear a loud girl screaming. I think, "Why the hell is Becca so excited to see me for? (Especially since she has practically ignored all of my text messages and IMs all week long)" I look up and everyone's there yelling surprise. Tifany(not at work), Mallory(not at the studio), Jake(not training people he can't get out of doing) plus a whole hell of a lot more people. Sara, Tyler, Brooks, Matt, Jeremy(not me, the other Jeremy), Becca, and Kevin of course. I was shocked. All that work I did planning the evening and everyone just let me. Playing along. And I printed coupons. COUPONS!!

But I had the funnest weekend ever. Thanks so much everyone! Especially Mallmsy and Tifany for planning and decorating. And Kevin for playing host and taxi. Plus Tifany made a boobs cake. So very great!!

Jeremy's Top Ten Reasons To Have Another Drink

2007-03-29T11:39:00.000-07:00

10. A new fashion trend, Dick Cheney-skin boots.
9. Avocados are on sale 4 for $1.00.
8. Just got rid of the clap.
7. Angelina Jolie's dreams of collecting one child from each country foiled when South Africa tells her to bugger off.
6. Soda's all gone.
5. Your father never loved you.
4. Russell Crowe and Naomi Campbell have first annual telephone throw down. Both die from fatal dialing injuries.
3. You have the brew shakes.
2. God finally reveals himself to be real just so he can disassociate himself from George W Bush.
1. Two words: Breakdancing Jake

Haikus Of Kevin

2007-03-28T15:10:00.000-07:00

I'm sure everyone knows how a haiku poem goes. But just in case. It's three lines. The first line is five syllables, the second is seven, and the third is five. That is the only criteria. Without further ado: The Haikus of Kevin.

Kevin's so smart, but
one day a computer will
kill him in his sleep.

You think that's funny?
Shut up and drink your last shot
of Disaronno.

Kevi Kevi Kev
<?php
echo 'Hello!';
?>
No, I don't have to.

Please read my rad friend
Kevin's Accidental Blog
right bloody here. NOW!

Simon Says, "Sack Down"

2007-03-27T09:06:00.000-07:00

Sacking up is not working for me. I forgot I was such a wuss. I'm no man. I'm pathetic. So I thought I was back in the saddle, but I find my ass slipping right off of it. So yesterday was my first day back to work from my back injury. Well I sat and stood all day and my leg(the injury causes my leg to cramp like no other) and back were throbbing. I got home and laid in bed until 7:30am at which point I got up for work again. Not sleeping. No. I was in evil, black pain. I was thinking about going to the emergency room just to get the pain to stop. But I didn't. So here I am at work again sitting on my aching ass. Except this time, I'm deliriously tired. So there it is the terrible, pathetic truth. My own sack down. There is a big reason why the phrase "I wish I was dead" is hugely popular to me.

Time To Sack Up

2007-03-26T09:13:00.000-07:00

Well after a very looonnnggg week, I am back in the saddle. Well with a heating pad in the saddle, but in the saddle nonetheless. I don't know how I managed it, but I somehow screwed my back up. On Sunday it was rather sore, but when I woke up Monday last week I couldn't sit or stand without white hot flashes of pain. It was horrible. I ended up staying in bed all week on a heating pad(my only comfort). I finally made it to the doctor's on Thursday when I could sit up without screaming. All I got was a prescription of muscle relaxers(which have been useless so far) and a doctor's note to prove to my work that I had indeed injured my back and wasn't relaxing poolside in a Vegas resort casino with a margarita in hand. That night I finally was able to sleep after four days of being forced to stay awake by Captain Pain In My Back. Which was a good thing. I used five sick days. FIVE!! What an amusing way to spend my last remaining sick time for the year. Plus not only did I break my streak of posting to my blog daily, I missed a whole week. Sorry about that.

So here's to you and here's to me. If ever we should disagree, here's to me.

Sunday Short

2007-03-18T22:25:00.000-07:00

My day today can be described in one of my favorite sayings:

Some mornings it's just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.

Oh, That's So Retro!

2007-03-17T20:55:00.000-07:00

Here are some TV themes from shows I watched when I was a kid.
Sorry I'm lazy.

Today's Special

Fraggle Rock

Ducktales

Small Wonder

Voltron

Alvin and the Chipmunks

And finally I started out on Sesame Street as Mallory and I were talking about recently. Here was one of my favorite Classic Sesame Street songs.

Lists, Glorious Lists. Free Trojan Virus Included ;)

2007-03-16T09:05:00.000-07:00

So it seems you learn a little bit about me with each post. Some good and some bad. Here's another. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder to a certain degree. When I take an interest in something, I go whole hog. Well one thing I love is lists. I'm crazy for lists. I love to make lists. I love to read lists. I'm OBSESSED about lists. I'm so crazy. I realize this. I just remembered my last post was a list. SEE!!

"The doctor said my nose wouldn't bleed if I didn't put my finger up there."

Here's five cool list links
1. Rolling Stone's 25 greatest South Park moments in celebration of their 10th anniversary
2. AFI's top 100 films of all time
3. TV Guide's 50 Worst and Best TV Shows ever
4. American Institute of Architects 150 Favorite American Structures
5. Comedy Central's 100 Greatest Stand-ups of All Time

The Book of Lists is my favorite list source. It's simply orgasmic(If you're listopathic).

The Main Ingredient Is Spam

2007-03-15T17:30:00.000-07:00

You know what I am sick of? SPAM! What the hell? It seems amazing to me how much spam I get. It comprises most of my inbox, but it's the same four or five emails everytime. I will list them for you.

1. need girl for sucky-sucky? (WHAT? No I don't! I have a mouth. I can drink my own sodas thank you very much.)

2. DO YOU WANT A BIGGER PENIS? (Duh. But what I want more is to stop hearing about your damn bargain-madness viagra sales.)

3. I'm the daughter of a dead Nigerian king. I'm filthy rich. I just can't get my hands on the dough. So if you give me all your bank account and personal information, I will transfer my money to your account and we'll split it. Okay? (Shit. How many Kings are in Africa anyway? There are a bunch of rich people in Africa. They just can't spend it apparently. How the hell did they get my email? Where did they find a computer in Africa?)

4. Take a survey to win two free NANO iPODS. (I hate you.)

5. Jeremy, this is your mom. Please come home. I miss you. (How did she figure out how to use email?)

This has got to stop.

P.S. I love my mum

Librarians That Punish Together, Stay Together.

2007-03-14T10:32:00.000-07:00

So a guy walks into the library. He's clearly not the library-type. His long hair is wrapped up in a bandana, and he has dark sunglasses covering bloodshot eyes. His mouth is drawn into a tight, determined purse. Scents of cigarettes and body odor waft off his baggy clothes. His bright orange flip-flops slap lightly on the earthen tile. He makes his way to the librarian's desk. He stops in front and clears his throat. He pulls one side of his over coat open to reveal a bottle of silverfish. Silverfish, the library book's worst enemy. Lisa, the librarian, eyes the bottle and looks into his dark lenses.

"What are you planning on doing with those?", shes inquires coolly. "I'm going to take this place down.", he slowly responds. Lisa leans in closer and whispers. "Over my dead body." His eyebrows raise slightly above the rims of his sunglasses. He stutters mildly back at her, "I will. I'll open this bottle right now and start with section 400 of non-fiction. Language." "You fool.", she chides, "You aren't going anywhere near those bookshelves."

Sarah, sitting at a nearby table reading the latest Vogue, watches the exchange. She reaches into her purse for her nail clippers. Lisa taps her fingers on a copy of Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment. He slowly reaches for the bottle. Lisa grabs her laser scanner and points it at him, "You have to ask yourself. Do you feel lucky? Well do ya, punk?" His nose twitches. He snatches the vial of silverfish. "You illiterate bastard." , she mutters as she presses the button on the scanner. A laser flashes in his eye. He cries out and lunges forward at her. Sarah dashes to her feet and flips out the file in her clippers. She stabs the file into his arm. Lisa picks up her date stamper, swings her arm back and pitches a March 14, 2007 at his forehead. "What the..", he stammers noticing he is now being attacked by two women, "Who are you?" "I'm you're worst nightmare", Sarah grumbles at him. Sarah grabs her Prada heel off her foot and smacks him across the face. He starts to panic and drops the vial rolling it across the floor to the card catalog. Lisa picks up the container of silverfish and crams it down his throat. He chokes and dies on his own device. Lisa and Sarah stand over his corpse satisfied to save the books. "You shouldn't have screwed with my library.", she says shaking her finger at the body. "Look", Sarah says pointing to his mouth, "When you shoved that jar down his throat, it gave him two loose teeth." "That gives me an idea", Lisa announced.

Read about Lisa and Sarah's ideas here.

Die With A T

2007-03-13T10:02:00.000-07:00

There comes a time in a person's life when they realize they are incredibly fat. Well my alarm is ringing loudly. I'm sure Finland can hear my alarm too.

Being fat is not always a great source of pleasure. Sometimes your friends ask you to go on a hike in the middle of the night to see the girl that haunts the lake and only an eighth of a mile into it you are almost willing to die right their on the spot so you don't have to go further. To make matters worse you're drunk and this whole ordeal is being videotaped with your enthusiastic consent. Then you lose a sandal in the woods and you have to crawl around in the poison oak to retrieve it. Oh sorry, I've digressed. Sometimes you go to the mall and of course the only things a really fat person can buy at the mall clothing-wise are shoes and socks. No fancy underwear for you, no favorite band or nostalgic cartoon t-shirts. You will not be wearing $200 Versace or Armani jeans. And trying to walk through those stores? Forget it. You feel like a monstrous combine, taking everything down off the racks and the shelves to your left and your right as your swollen abdomen rakes through the aisles. It's like playing virtual pinball. Malls are definitely for skinny people. Then there are amusement parks, airplanes, restaurant booths, seat belts, spelunking. I mean here I am, stereotypically American. Doing my best to stay chunky and watch lots of tv and how am I rewarded? By ridiculously high cholesterol levels, borderline agoraphobia, clothing made from building awnings, and an unriveled laziness to be sure.

It's now been three weeks exactly since I started my blog. That's 21 days. It takes 21 days to form a habit. I have formed a good habit(for once in my life). So I'm going to try it again and see if it's a fluke. That's right! The big four letter word despised by Garfield, Homer, and Supermodels everywhere. I don't know if I can do it. I've tried many times.

Maybe the 37th time's the charm.

I'll See Your Blog And Raise You A Whore

2007-03-12T17:17:00.000-07:00

I must have way too much time on my hands. Since I've started blogging, I haven't missed a day. Okay I admit that sometimes my subject matter's lame, but I do it anyway. You know why? Because I never stick to anything! EVER!! So I have made a vow to stick to this. I do see problems in the future. Like when I go out of town and well, you know, being lazy. What am I saying here? I'm boring.

I played poker yesterday. I never play poker. I hate poker. This is my problem. I always want to stay in the game no matter how crappy my hand is. I could have a 2,4,5,7 an 8 all in different suits and I'd bet my mother's wheelchair on it. So I lose a lot. Once I did throw down the cards and say, "I fold, like a hooker you punched in the stomach because you wanted your money back to buy a Pepsi." I was proud of myself.

One small step for Jeremy one giant step for whoever's in the way.

The Alarm Clock Strikes Back

2007-03-11T22:22:00.000-07:00

Daylight Savings Day is my least favorite day of the year. Spring ahead. Fall Behind. I long for fall behind. I kill for fall behind. That one marvelous day when you can say, "Screw you clock, I'm going to sleep another hour." Now the clock is getting revenge. From 1:59 straight to 3:00. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Now it's his turn to say, "You son of a bitch. This for hitting my snooze button so many times it's now a sn ze button. For throwing me against the wall on those fuzzy hungover mornings. Get up you douchebag!" It sits there with a menacing 3:00 flashing. It's two big open zeroes staring at you, daring you to pick it up and launch it across the room. What can you do? It's his day today.

Damn DST anyway! Come eight months, you're dead, you douchebag!

Glengarry GlenSnowman

2007-03-10T20:04:00.000-08:00

When I was in high school we had dances. Strange you think? No, it's a fairly common practice throughout high schools everywhere. So you are probably familiar with dance royalty, i.e. Homecoming Queen, Prom King and Queen, etc. Well usually the type of people who win these monarchies are the snotty popular crowd. I've never cared for them. Every year at my school we had a Christmas dance. I forget what's it called. The Winter Festival, something like that. Well the royalty was all guys at this dance, which was an interesting change. They had several royal titles, like Mr. Scrooge and King Christmas. Well the nominations came out that year and there was my name. Jeremy Jacobson nominated for Mr. Snowman. There were three nominees for each category. In mine I was competing against Gerard King and Bretton Harvigsten(Who happened to be one of those bully jocks. This has nothing to do with the story. I just thought I'd point out what an asshole he was.) Well I was a little shocked til I realized we were all "portly". So I thought, "Oh I can see the student body presidency think up the nomination list now. "Let's see, who's really fat like a snowman?" "Jeremy broke a chair the other day he's so fat, so he's in" What jerks!"

Anyway. Before voting was to happen they held an assembly in which each group would compete in some event. Well the snowmen had an obstacle course. It was set up so that you had to put on a snowsuit and boots, get on a bicycle, ride it across the stage, get off, hulahoop a few times, then jump rope a few times and cross the line to finish. It was also timed. So I watch in the wings of the stage, the other competitors run through with relative ease. Then I get up to bat. I'm looking at the snowsuit on the ground and looking at my hot air balloon of a body knowing full well those pants aren't going to come up to my thighs. I was right. The timer called go. I crammed my leaning tower of Pisas into each pant leg and yanked them up mid thigh. I pulled them tight so they would stay on. My crotch came down to below my knees. I looked like a mammoth penguin. I tried to get the boots on but they wouldn't go on all the way either. I pick up the bike and try to throw my leg over the frame. This was a challenge. It took me a minute but I succeeded. Stopping was another story. I couldn't put my foot down to the ground and I ended up crashing. I got up and threw the hula hoop over my stomach. Here's another thing. If you don't have a waist, hula-hooping is rather difficult. I finished that and felt rather hurried to finish as I had wasted so much time thus far. I grabbed the jump rope and started jumping backwards for some reason. As I pounded the stage the snowsuit came down around my ankles. The whole audience roared with laughter. I tried to waddle to the finish line and I tripped and fell so I crawled. I passed the finish line and continued crawling off the stage. I could hear the crowd screaming and clapping. The timer forced me to go back out on stage for a standing ovation. So needless to say I won Mr. Snowman. And that's how I became one of those snotty, popular people. And it was the first(and only) time I ever kicked Bretton's ass. And that felt wicked awesome.

The New Holy Trinity?

2007-03-09T13:44:00.000-08:00

In case you haven't heard. My favorite musical composer is Stephen Sondheim. Who wrote Sweeney Todd. Which will be made into a film. Which will star Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Alan Rickman, and Sasha Baron Cohen. Who will all be directed by Tim Burton. Who also directed Vincent D'Onofrio in Ed Wood. Who was in JFK with Kevin Bacon. HA! Now if you've never heard of the musical Sweeney Todd, let me just say it's very good.

Here's the facts:
*It premiered on Broadway in 1979
*It won eight Tony Awards including Best Actress(Angela Lansbury), Best Actor(Len Cariou), and Best Musical.
*It's about some killers that bake their victims in meat pies. So...fun!

So are Tim Burton, Johnny Depp, and Helena Bonham Carter the new holy trinity. Just maybe. All I can say is I can't wait til December 2007 when it hits the big screens.

And I say this in the name of Tim Burton, Johnny Depp, and Helena Bonham Carter. Amen.

P.S. If you exist Lord, please don't strike me down.

It's Like How Many Babies Can You Fit In A Tire. It's A Zen Thing.

2007-03-08T10:50:00.000-08:00

My salute to one of my favorite movies(Becca's great idea). If you need a new set of movie quotes to freshen your movie quoting repertoire, look no further than Waiting For Guffman. This familiar ensemble of actors is at their wicked best. This is when I fell in love with Catherine O'Hara and Parker Posey. I've never laughed harder at a movie than I did here. And you thought I was bad at Little Miss Sunshine. No, no this movie is a never ending box of Krispy Kremes(Eww, it sickens me to see the letter 'K' replacing words commonly spelled with a 'C'. But that's just me.). Alright here's a great quote:

Corky St. Clair(played perfectly by Christopher Guest): I think that the elements, as Dr. Watson said to Sherlock, "are coming together, sir." I was shopping for my wife, Bonnie (I buy most of her clothes). And Mrs. Pearl was in the same shop, and it just was an accident. Y'know, we started talking...about pantyhose. She was saying -- w-whatever, that's not the point of the story, but what the point is was that through this accidental meeting -- it's like, y'know, it's like a Hitchcock movie, where, you know, you're thrown into a rubber bag and put in the trunk of a car. You find people; you find them. Something... It - is it karma? Maybe. But we found him; that's the important thing -- and I got Bonnie a wonderful pantsuit.

So watch the movie or die!!

It Just Goes To Show, It's Always Something

2007-03-07T17:24:00.001-08:00

A look back at one of my favorite comedienne's of all time. I miss her.

2007-03-07T17:20:00.001-08:00

She was so damn funny!!

A Story From Grandma Stewart

2007-03-06T17:30:00.000-08:00

When my oldest brother, Corey, was three or four, my uncle Jody wanted to treat him to a popcicle from the local market. Jody was a mere 6 or 7 year-old himself. He had a dollar or so, and he asked my grandma if he could buy two popcicles for my brother and him. She warned sternly, "Yes, that's fine, but do not spend anymore than that." Jody went to the market a few blocks away and came back with the popcicles. My grandmother, noticing his arrival, said, "Okay Jody, let's put the rest of the money away to save." My uncle looked down on the floor and shuffled his foot. "Jody? Where is the rest of your money?", she asked raising her voice a little. "I don't have it.", he whispered, his face heating up with fear. "Jody, what did I say? I said don't spend all your money. Now look what you've done. What did you buy?", she snapped at him." He spoke quietly with tears forming in his eyes, "There was a man with old, dirty clothes outside the store. He looked sad and had a sign that said 'need money for food'. So I gave him the rest of money." Well my grandma felt like such an ass. She told me that story not able to contain her own tears. Anyway now it's a story for you. Sometimes I think of this story and it makes me want to be a better person.

Was It Something I Ate?

2007-03-05T18:27:00.000-08:00

Oh dear God I've been sick. If vomiting was the new Broadway show, I just had 30 curtain calls. That's all I have to say.

To Hellbucks In A Gucci Handbasket

2007-03-04T22:26:00.000-08:00

The good times are over. The country is going down the tubes. If I had been born in 1905, I would be dead right now and wouldn't have to be worrying about this. And it's not anyone's fault in particular. We are all to blame. First the people for wondering who the next Survivor, American Idol, Top Model, and Big Brother will be. For worrying what will happen to Meredith and McDreamy; Sawyer, Jack and Kate; That guy on 24 who keeps getting into predicaments. Too busy buying an even smaller iPod, cell phone and laptop. Filling up on energy drinks, double-tall Capuspressoes with extra skim fat milk, and super-size everything. Then the Media covering their crazy bitches Britney Spears, Anna Nicole Smith, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen and making sure their every move is documented to the smallest detail, even if they're dead. Did you know Courtney Love buys Always tampons, regular flow? Making sure we all know that Ann Coulter, Isaiah Washington, and Tim Hardaway hate the gays. That Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama got in a slap fight with David Geffen. Next up our lovely politicians. The Republicans making sure we are protected against married lesbians, evolution, and atheism. All the while hitting on teenage male pages. The Democrats just sitting there playing pattycake waiting for their pizza delivery. All of them flapping their wooden lips with corporate hands up their asses. Then there's the presidency. Dick and Bush. Cheney, the Leona Helmsley of the White House, with his remote control to Dubya the Robot. Georgie crying in the corner saying, "Please Master Cheney I'll send more troops. If you will stop slapping me on the head and calling me President Tush." Let's not forget the Corporations, the other house of Congress. Lining the politician's pocket so our teens can start smoking earlier, so we can have more sicknesses to cure with expensive new medicine, so we can start being charged for using the World Wide Web. This is why I'm half crazy. We're screwed people!! I sure as hell am no help either. I've supersized two thousand times too many. I can barely fit through my door. I'm too tired anyway. I'm gonna go grab a box of Twinkies. Oh my God! Cameron Diaz just bought a herion addicted kitten!!

When It Rains, It Pours

2007-03-03T19:39:00.000-08:00

What a shitty day I've had. Everything has went wrong today. I HATE FROSTING CAKES!!! Screw it, I've writing March 3rd 2007 off. Oh yeah Happy Birthday, Samantha. My sister is 24 years old today. Quisiera estar muerto.

The Princess And The Penis

2007-03-02T18:56:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time in a far away land lived a princess. She was named Tifany and she was the most popular princess in the entire world. Fergie(No not from the Black-Eyed Peas) had nothing on her. She was especially popular on 37th Street, a dimly lit back street featuring a smorgasbord of whores. Now she was not a scarlet woman herself, but spent time with the other tarts teaching them the arts and crafts. "Just because you are a hooker, there's no excuse not develop an enviable artisanship.", she was heard saying seven times or so. She taught them how to knit sexy thongs, how to toll-paint condom wrappers, how to scrapbook pictures(Becca's turning over in her grave at this point. Well if she was dead she would be)of them with their customers. And they became the finest streetwalkers to walk the streets. Ironically Tifany was gruesomely murdered by a particular call girl named Shameka Black with a crochet hook. Her intestines were skillfully chain-hooked and puff-stitched into a startlingly exquisite pot-holder. Police were baffled by Ms. Black's discriminating craftsmanship. Before she died Princess Tifany wrote about her work with the 37th Street harlots. Read about her work here.

I Wish I Was Dead

2007-03-01T17:33:00.000-08:00

Voodoo Girl

by Tim Burton

Her skin is white cloth,
and she's all sewn apart
and she has many colored pins
sticking out of her heart.

She has a beautiful set
of hypno-disk eyes,
the ones that she uses
to hypnotize guys.

She has many different zombies
who are deeply in her trance.
She even has a zombie
who was originally from France.

But she knows she has a curse on her,
a curse she cannot win.
For if someone get too close to her,

the pins stick farther in.

Read Becca's blog NOW!!!

Omens Of A Couch Prophet: Lucky In The Stars

2007-02-28T15:27:00.000-08:00

Aires: You're attitude sucks and has been getting on the nerves of several people. And do you ever comb your hair. It looks like the Cookie Monster was run over in a mud swamp by a Hummer several times and glued to your forehead. Why do you even get up in the morning?

Taurus: Your fixation with breasts is going to be your downfall. That's all you can focus on. You keep it up and you're going to be reincarnated as laundry bag in a monastery.

Gemini: I wouldn't have eaten that last piece of chocolate silk pie if I were you. Pretty soon your car's going to be riding you. Besides there was a piece of glass in that last piece.

Cancer: Lighten up! You know you are really becoming such an asshole. I wouldn't be surprised if someone doesn't track you down, cut off your arms and wad them down your throat you son of a bitch!

Leo: Everybody knows you've been sleeping with other people's husbands and you are wrong for that.

Virgo: Now you are one cool cat. Your style and sophistocation is the envy of six billion people. Everybody wants to be you.

Libra: Libra the lazy. Your laziness is out of control. Your house is a mess. You use a reachin' broom to change the channel on your television set when your remote control is lost. I mean come on. A reaching broom? Have some respect for yourself. Find your remote control like a man. Search high and low, but do NOT change that channel until you find it.

Scorpio: Well if it isn't the office whore. Sleeping your way to the top. It wouldn't be so bad if you could type and spell, but not even the spell-checker can guess what the hell you are trying to say. And if you think bringing a pot full of your "world famous barbecued chowder cookies" is going to get you any further, it just might work.

Sagittarius: Your death is imminent. Watch out for a Uma Thurman look-a-like standing at a bus stop by a Wendy's

Capricorn: Everybody talks about you behind your back. This is because your fashion sense is hilarious. Overalls over a prom dress? Not even Bjork herself could think that one up.

Aquarius: Your arrogance is what's going to do you in today. You really think you're someone, don't you? You pompous, self-appointed hero. I have news for you. That new message in your voicemail is not the governor recommending the gold star. It's a death threat.

Pisces: Just because you are a fish, does not mean you have to drink like one. You've made stumbling around an art. Life is not a toga party my friend. Where's my rubbing alcohol?

Third and Fourth Dentists Change Minds

2007-02-27T16:58:00.000-08:00

After being the powerhouse gum for decades, Trident has to finally step down from that post. Mallory Michelle Qualls, OD was the first to flip-flop after she discovered her dog Gingersnap died several months after eating a piece of Cinnamon Tingle. Gingersnap died Monday Feb 12, 2007 shortly after being hit by a Mr. Jordi La Forge in a 1986 Red Cadilliac Seville. This was the third dog Mr. La Forge had hit in a seven hour period, and he was shortly taken into police custody. Upon autopsy, Dr. Michael La Forge, announced the dog had died of a bowel obstruction caused by a piece of cinnamon-flavored gum. Jordi was released with the admonition that he needed to lay off the driving as he was very blind. Miss Qualls, OD nodded as she realized that her dog had been pooping bubbles for the past few days. "I find this fact rather odd, as Trident is not known as a good bubble producing gum.", thought Jeremy as he was typing this blog. The other dentist, Dr Ben Jinklestein, changed his mind when he found out Trident wasn't kosher. I called the Rockford, Illinois factory to gather more information, but the calls were rerouted to some adult date line. After many hours I came to the conclusion that I was not going to get any information about Trident from the woman I was talking to. So what is going on with this elusive gum called Trident? Maybe we'll never know. But one thing is certain. Only 2 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident now. And that leaves the door wide open for all you other gums.

For more information, read Dr. Mallory's blog here

Scraping My Brain With A Rubber Spatula

2007-02-26T18:26:00.001-08:00

I see now that writing a blog isn't going to be easy if I want to post to it daily. It's not like I have fans that are desperate for my daily confabulations. COME ON YOU BLOG JUNKIES SNORT MY HEROIN!! So I guess I don't really need to be in a perpetual state of posting. I do feel some pushing out inside me though, like the first wazz after you drink a SuperMegaColossalBigGulp. But that's just it. It's usually piss. But I do try. I have to dig deep with that rubber spatula, scrap all along the inside off my head, and scoop out my brain. It sounds like a terrible Julia Child concoction. Then I splosh it out onto a plate and serve it up. There it is, all slimy. And it horrifies, captivates, disgusts, offends, humors, and hopefully entertains. But you can look over it and all of a sudden--Oh there's the time my cousin and I started a lemonade stand and we sold penny candies for two cents each, but got in a fight over it because I was eating all the profit.--And there's the time when I was in a play and I was suppose to whistle to call the other characters on stage and I couldn't whistle so the director told me to make some animal sound and when it came to it, at that very moment, I cut the cheese. These ideas roll out and I distort them and I create some Monster for everyone to enjoy. I guess what I'm saying is. I hope you enjoy the crap I go through to post this stuff.

Tifany start your blog!

Ah Screw The Oscars Anyway!

2007-02-25T21:37:00.000-08:00

So I got 9 out of 24 categories right. I'm so ashamed. Although with the edit feature I could go back "in time" and....ah screw the Oscars anyway. What are you looking at? I didn't see you put yourself on the line and make some predictions. Oh yeah? Well your momma!

At least Little Miss Sunshine fared better than I thought it would. Someone has some sense. Alan Arkin for Supporting Actor and Original Screenplay. Little Miss Sunshine won Original Screenplay not Alan Arkin. Actually to be quite correct Michael Arndt won the Oscar for writing the screenplay. I should have dared to predict them like Jen did. Oh well at least I can make frosting roses better than her, a LOT better. ;) (And I resent having to express my emotions with random puntuation keystrokes. &%@#*! I guess that's another blog though)

I'm a terrible couch prophet. And I do magical things on couches. Not that magical, you pervert! I was referring to my uncanny ability to watch television. So Jen kicked my trash on this contest.

DAMN YOU TO HELL, JEN!

Lost with a Jack and Coke

2007-02-24T22:30:00.000-08:00

To know Jake Meeks is like having a refrigerator with one of those ice makers in the door with the kind of crushed ice you can only find in bowling alleys. It's a good thing. Read his great blog here.

Salsa Con Dios.

Groundhog Steaks With A Side Of Angry Sauce

2007-02-23T09:22:00.000-08:00

8:51am-Crawl out of bed having hit the snooze button the allowable number of times(13)
8:51:09am-Peak out bedroom door to see if sister has gone to work yet so I know if I can walk around the apartment naked if I need too. She hasn't. At least now I can bum a ride from her to work.
8:51:16am-Sit on edge of bed and curse the morning.
8:51:20am-Stare off into space.
9:03am-Put deodorant and clothes on(Hey I showered last night before I went to bed-I don't have time in the morning because I'm too lazy).
9:11am-Look in mirror, recoil in horror, quickly wet what hair I have left and comb it down.
9:14am-Sit at computer and wait for sister
9:21am-Ready to leave. Open front door. There it is again. The snow. Unable to contain my sudden anger, I swear loudly "@#*&!!"

I was alive this Groundhog's Day. I know what I saw. I ready the Yahoo News headline. "Groundhog doesn't see shadow. Early Spring." Why is it still snowing then? WHY?? What the hell is going on here. As the snow comes down like chubby Price Is Right contestants, I have to question my unwavering faith in the groundhog system. Who do we blame here: the groundhog, his/her keepers, faulty lighting? I'm left to wonder how they can tell if the groundhog sees his shadow anyway. What kind of standards does this groundhog-monitoring team follow? Are they extremely thorough? Have they extensively researched groundhog facial expressions, groundhog meteorology, and the effects of shadows on groundhogs? Does the good groundhog give off some secret signal on seeing his shadow? Does this groundhog talk? Does he say, "Hey folks, yeah I saw my shadow, bundle up."? Maybe the groundhog did see his shadow out of the corner of his eye. Maybe, just maybe, this groundhog is a great actor. He comes up out of his stump, and puts on an Oscar-winning performance. Then later he laughs about it with all his beaver and squirrel friends how stupid Americans are to predict the weather based on some rodent glimpsing his shaded twin. Whatever it is, it's about as effective as George W Bush's ability to use words longer than five letters.

11:36am-Give up

Omens Of A Couch Prophet: The Oscars

2007-02-22T13:22:00.001-08:00

The Oscars are just aroung the corner. February 25th, 2007 at 5:00pm PST/8:00pm EST on ABC("That'll be thirty-six dollars, ABC"). So some predictions. This year the Oscars will be hosted for the first time by the very famous lesbian, Ellen DeGeneres. Ellen DeGeneres is the funniest lesbian in the world! Who dares say Ellen is going to hell for being a lesbian? Okay, so that's not a prediction. But I just had to say it. Well actually it is. I predict Ellen is not going to hell. She puts the esbia back in lesbian. Lesbian's a funny word. Lesbian.

I have to be honest. I haven't watched many of the movies that have been nominated. All I have seen is The Devil Wears Prada, The Departed, and Little Miss Sunshine. All three were very good movies. So who am I to say who should win? And who the HELL wants to read more Oscar predictions? "I do." "What? Who said "I do"?.....I said who said "I DO"?.....alright, I'll give in, whatever" I'll get to them in a second. But first, I want to talk about the people behind the movies who never get a second glance let alone an oscar category. These people work just as hard as that damn cinematographer. Or that ludicrous supporting actor. Well here are a few of my picks for categories that should be:

Best Best Boy Grip: Jim Hollahoo, Night at the Museum
Best Dolly Grip: Jim Hollahoo, The Holiday
Boom Operator: Becca Smith, You, Me & Dupree - I've never seen such honest boom-operating
Best Second Unit, Assistant Cameraman: Maxine Johnson, The Passion of Warren Eddington
Best Movie Title Font: Helvetica Bold, Whores Don't Know Any Better
Best Studio Security Guard: Richard "Ichard" Jones, Nanny McPhee
and lastly
Best Craft Service: Hilda's Donuts and Stuff, Babel

So you see. We need to honor everyone in the movie biz. You call yourself obsessed Hollywood fans. COME ON!! I can do better than you! Until you have"Ichard" carved on your chest with a steak knife you stole off the set of "The Da Vinci Code" or decorated your bathroom with Hilda's signature bacon-colored take out bags, you're not correctly obsessed with Hollywood. I'm just sayin'.

Anyway here's my other crappy picks:
Documentary: An Inconvenient Truth, by my good man Al Gore
Documentary, Short Subject: Recycled Life, because I love recyclers
Animated Feature: Cars, unfortunately.
Animated Short Film: No Time For Nuts, my tribute pick to Ellen
Live Action Short Film: Binta and the Great Idea, Binta is one of my favorite names
Original Score: Babel
Original Song: "Listen" from Dreamgirls, one of their's songs has got to win, right?
Sound Editing: Pirates of the Carribean
Sound Mixing: Pirates of the Carribean
Visual Effects: Pirates of the Carribean
Film Editing: United 93
Makeup: Pan's Labyrinth
Costume Design: The Devil Wears Prada
Art Direction: Dreamgirls
Cinematography: Children of Men
Foreign-Language Film: Pan's Labyrinth
Adapted Screenplay: The Departed
Original Screenplay: The Queen
Supporting Actress: Jennifer Hudson, But I'd love to see Abigail Breslin win.
Supporting Actor: Eddie Murphy
Actress: Helen Mirren
Actor: Forrest Whitaker
Director: Marty Scorsese
Picture: Babel, Little Miss Sunshine should take it though. Because I nearly had a stroke for that movie.

This has been a friendly prediction by your couch prophet.

Jacobson out!

The Pressures Of Starting A Blog

2007-02-21T10:25:00.000-08:00

Okay. All of a sudden there's blogs everywhere. Everywhere I turn there's a blog. I go to McDonald's - "Would you like a blog with that?" I go to the car wash - Soap, Rinse, Hot Blog. The Liquor Store - blog-flavored vodka. How much is that bloggy in the window? Not very much, because everyone can afford one. Everyone's blogging. I caught two people at work blogging in the closet. I turned the light on for them, because that is not good for your eyes. So now I think to myself, "Why is everyone blogging? Why haven't I heard about this phenomenon? I don't have a blog. How can I fit in without a blog? O my Blog, I can't B-log this. Blog is my bloglem? Blog blogblog blog. Blog!" Then I couldn't understand a word I was thinking. But one thing was certain. Blog.

So here it is. The unveiling of my personal blog. Now I can hold my head up high. I have joined the flock. I feel society's comforting, grip around my waist. And that is some feat if you're familiar with my waist. I'm finally in that long line to who knows where. For where it goes or where it started is beyond my sight. But I am somewhere in the middle snugly fit between two others who must also feel a deep satisfaction with their easy, mundane place in line. I'm special. I'm unique. I'm complete.

Got blog?